Sometimes when we change our names, it makes a difference in how our body, mind, & spirit sees itself. You're still very young yet - you haven't seen or learned things some of us OLD PEOPLE know to be true... and that's part of your personal growth. But "Kill46" has always made me wonder why you chose the name, and why you'd want it- it's a very negative vibration. It might be affecting you, subconsciously. Anyway, just think about it.
True story: Our neighbors when I was about your age, raised chickens. After losing several to predators, our neighbor bought a new rooster, and named him "Killer." He became the nastiest, meanest SOB in the neighborhood. He attacked everyone who walked up the road past their house, and every dog, cat, timber wolf, coyote, fox, and child/neighbor was a victim of him at one time or another. Finally he got so many complaints, the neighbor had to change his name to Holy Ghost... after that, the rooster stayed home and guarded the hens instead of attacking everything that moved on OR off of his property.
Just a thought...
I hope you feel better soon.
Some days are DIAMONDS; some days are STONES!