I had been writing a sci-fi novel for Star Trek. It was what is called a NOVELLA... meaning it was not being published by Paramount's division, but by a fanzine publisher who had just published my first novella, "Trojan Angel," and I was on-track to have the current one, and two others to be published as soon as they were completed.
I awakened at 4:30 a.m., PDT (West Coast) on January 28th, 1986, and felt absolutely compelled to RE-WRITE the segment of the novella in which a space shuttle from Earth was launched - and exploded when rubber tubes didn't expand correctly - and Capt. Kirk and the Enterprise were the ONLY ones who knew (from a previous encounter with Earth's Past and it's earlier shuttle program) that there was something wrong with launching the shuttle on that specific date...
Let me be clear. I was so lost in my Star trek World at that point in time, I didn't know the Shuttle Challenger was to be launched, that morning. But when I was awakened out of a sound sleep by a voice DEMANDING that I must change the shuttle segment of the storyline, I had no choice - I immediately got up, pulled out my previously typed draft, and began re-writing the shuttle portion.
It was a long and technical section of the novella, so I had to alter not just the launch, but the set-up that led to the launching. I feverishly typed away (we had no home computers in those days - I had an IBM Selectric Typewriter) - and re-doing an entire 40-page section of an already written portion was quite a task. I had to re-write the rationalization, the moments leading up to the launch, and how the astronauts would react to scrapping the mission.
I had just arrived at the part where the faulty rubber incorporated in the launching mechanism was deemed "too fallible to allow launch in cold weather" (I had never heard of O-rings...) when my telephone rang. It was my publisher.
"Do you have your TV on?" she asked.
""No," I said... "I'm re-writing the shuttle explosion section where the Enterprise transports in and saves the astronauts."
"Turn on your TV," she said, sobbing... "The shuttle has just exploded during launch, and they think everyone is dead."
I was so caught off-guard, I couldn't speak.
""I have to go now," she continued, "I can't talk anymore."
I turned on the TV and watched, with tremendous horror, the re-play of the shuttle exploding.
I was a basket-case for more than a week. Couldn't touch my typewriter; couldn't touch the draft; couldn't do anything but watch the President and the subsequent newscasts. I was so distraught, I (thought) I burned ALL of the rough drafts, because I felt if I had awakened EARLIER, and began the re-write earlier, I might have changed what happened, that day. The Fates of all those astronauts have haunted me, every day of my life, since then.
Many of you have asked why I haven't written a novel, by now - about all the strange things that have happened in my life.
CHALLENGER is the reason. I am still racked with tremendous guilt. I BELIEVE that through the eyes of my Star Trek characters, I SAW THE FUTURE... and didn't change the novella in time to change the deaths of all those fine astronauts.
Now, nearly 35 years later, I still can't write... I am afraid that what I SEE is not fiction, but perhaps something that's yet to come, and by putting it in a sci-fi format doesn't CHANGE the facts that these things I see MIGHT come true...
So, this is a warning to all of you who are writers, who may become writers, or who may know writers... Write in a positive frame; don't write things that cast negativity on the human race. While you may not know that what you see is NOT true, you can never know for sure. Lke attracts like... or so I'm told. And if that is in any way true, the way to save our world is not by writing about aliens invading, or about catastrophies that damage human pioneers.
I understand that THIS is my personal guilt, and it may not apply to everyone, This is just a warning. I would hate for someone else's literary capabilities to suffer the same FATE as mine. I WANT to write; I often feel COMPELLED to write; but, I'm afraid to write, because when I begin to write something, it sort of begins to write itself, and my psyche is "taken over" and taken in direction I can't predict. BE VIGILANT. Be careful what you put on the screen. Make sure it's positive for our humanity. Otherwise, you might fall into my writer's fear, and never again be able to write something negative that doesn't result in a similar reality.
_________________ Some days are DIAMONDS; some days are STONES!
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